As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve had a front row seat, observing ways women sabotage themselves when it comes to having more of what they want/need in intimate relationships.
It may surprise you but often women spend more time planning the details of vacation time, or Christmas dinner than reflecting on what they really want in an intimate relationship…Forget about the picture that we are given by Madison Avenue, or romance novels in the attempt to sell us illusions.
You have more power to choose a solid and loving relationship than you realize. Notice I said “choose” as in not waiting to be chosen. Believe that you deserve a partner who will love and value you and your opinions. Believe that you deserve someone who will get up with you in the wee hours when the baby is crying or who will not be threatened by your career success.
I have met women successful in their careers, who have an antiquated belief of having to wait to be chosen. This belief is a throwback to times when women were really helpless and had no power. I am not advocating that you behave out of character and behave bold and aggressive; but you do have power to know that you are worthy and can create happiness and joy in your life.
It is a given…we will make some mistakes in our choosing since we are not used to doing so.
Be true to who you are, but check your belief system to find out what might holding you back especially if you say you want this on the one hand but in reality your life is showing up very differently. My work is devoted to helping women let go of old limiting beliefs that no longer serve them, if they ever did.
Remember, water seeks its own level. That said; we draw to ourselves that which we believe we are at a core level. Our level of consciousness attracts to us some one of the same level, it cannot be otherwise. So it behooves us to examine who we are, and consider changing the obstacles that give us problems, in order to attract someone who is more of a kindred spirit.
There are many extreme versions of unhealed dysfunctions that play out in real life. This is obvious to us when the bully marries the victim, the overachiever marries the irresponsible one, and the alcoholic marries the martyr. While on the surface they may appear very different, underneath they are both people with serious self-worth issues. Besides these extreme versions of dysfunction there are many subtle, sly versions not so obvious that cause terrible pain.
If there is a repetitive pattern of behavior going on in your relationship, it will not automatically change when you marry or make a commitment. It is time to take stock. If you attract a type of dysfunction into your life again and again, such as alcoholics, violent, irresponsible or disrespectful partners, this is an indication of an unconscious pattern at work within you drawing to you what you swear you do not want.
If any of those patterns resonate with you; do not be discouraged. When one is willing one can overcome all sorts of painful situations.
A repetitive pattern is more powerful than your conscious striving. Run; don’t walk to seek professional help, preferably with somebody well versed in Family Systems and Relationship Therapy.
To believe in your worthiness it is important to reflect on the most important relationship in your world…the one that you have with yourself. If this relationship is not solid…find out what is hidden and how to heal it.
Soo! What is important to you in choosing a man? What character traits do you value? If you are unsure or vague, take the uncertainty out of the vapors, and write the qualities down.
If not certain of priorities, a powerful way to get clear is by identifying and writing down, what is not wanted. Taking ideas out of the vapors and writing them down, gives desires, wishes and yearnings, a concrete form and provides knowledge, wisdom, and discernment. After we have written them down those same ideas become important and personal sources of knowing.
Have this knowing is important in place before someone of interest arrives on the scene. Knowing who you are, and what is important to you, puts you in the driver’s seat to choose, and therefore less at the mercy of hormones and sexual attraction.
Not being clear about your needs and wants, gives the other too much power over you and the future of the relationship. If you just want to play the field that is one thing, however if you want a committed long term relationship or marriage, pull up a chair, grab a pen and notebook.
Create Two Columns.
Column 1: List the qualities that you do not want.
Column 2: List the important values that you do want in your relationship to be happy; list less important character traits that you would enjoy having in a partner, list everything you can remember liking, or observing in somebody you admire, love and respect, do not hold back, you can cull your list later. Some examples are given below.
|do not want||do want|
|Controlling||Flexible when situation needs it|
|Doesn’t listen to me||Listens and values my ideas|
|Does not respect my opinion||Asks for and respects my opinion|
|Does not have a sense of humor||Has a good sense of humor|
|Disrespect for women||Respect for women|
|Cruelty to animals||Kindness towards all|
To further understand why your relationship with yourself is of most importance I wrote a book for you. It contains some of the universal struggles that women have when they know they are ready to value and love themselves and are ready to have loving relationships. It also guides you into finding what is hidden and what to do to heal what you find. My book is titled…Remove Obstacles to Experience Unstoppable Feminine Power
Most of us find that we are stuck by not understanding what holds us back.
Here I share with you how to overcome the wounding to claim the wonderful strengths and patterns that all women have but not all women know how to identify and use. Women are unstoppable once they are determined to appreciate their innate qualities and know that they are worthy to actively pursue going their dreams.
When women understand what faulty beliefs and conditioning may be holding them back and are willing to resolve these obstacles, I have witnessed incredible life changes.
Once women grasp their worthiness to wield this kind of power, when they stop underestimating what they have to offer, and become determined to create something better, they are a power to be reckoned with. When you arrive at this step you may have any relationship you desire.
The results that have occurred in my life and the lives of women I have worked with could be considered magical. And so it is.